The past few weeks have felt like I was riding a emotional roller coaster. Where I know I have the tools to regulate myself, but I am human and sometimes forget.
<insert a deep breath here>
In case you missed it, we moved from the suburbs of Philly to upstate New York about six weeks ago. This was a move that all three of us, my husband, son and I, did not question. It was something that aligned so perfectly that we knew was the right move for us. Since then, I have been struggling with loneliness as Brandon is still traveling back to Pennsylvania weekly, and my almost thirteen year old son, Austin, does not really want to spend time with his mom. Not to mention, knowing no one. I have good moments, as well as my melt downs. Again, human. I have been so lucky for amazing friends to talk to that remind me that I am not alone, and that I can do this. Yoga is an avenue I typically turn to for the physical, mental, as well as the social-ness that comes with belonging to a studio. But yoga is at least 30 minutes away, which led to me returning to home practices, (thank you TLY)!
A little over a week ago, I felt like I had a splinter in my toe, so I turned my foot over to see and something happened in my knee. The same knee I had four surgeries on over twenty years ago. Pain. And I could not put weight on it. Something you should know about my knee is that sometimes it, "goes out" and has to move a little to "go back in place". A lovely consequence of past surgeries and scar tissue. This time it wouldn't go back into place. Fortunately the old owner of house left some crutches, which I have not had or needed in many many years. But find gratitude in the little things.
The boys helped me off my feet. I put my leg up, iced it, took turmeric and naproxen, and let it rest. The next day we went to the hospital, which was a terrible experience, mostly miserable people and they did nothing. We tried contacting a couple of urgent cares, which didn't have the time or resources to help. That led us to stop #4, an orthopedic surgeon that just so happened to have an opening. In my experiences, orthopedic surgeons are narcissistic jack a$$es. This one was different, the whole experience in that office was different. They listened to me, and heard me when I talked about my knowledge and experience without dismissing me, since it wasn't my first time hurting it. I also learned that day, knees are x-ray'd first after injury to not only check the bone but to see how much arthritis has formed and if surgery is even possible. I have known for the last twenty years, I have arthritis, no question there. MRI was next, and today I had an appointment to discuss results and next steps.
Knowing what I know about not only my body, but my knee I wish I knew the MRI results before my appointment today so that I could research the diagnosis a little more and ask the questions that I have now after having time to process instead of a minute to decide.
I have a sprain and a great deal of arthritis and deterioration for a 42 year old. I was offered two things. One, cortisone shot and see how this goes. Which to me, felt like I was being left to deal with it, like a previous surgeon told me I would have to do for the rest of my life. Two, request an approval for surgery from the insurance company claiming for meniscus(cartilage) repair, but more to go in and clean up.
I wanted an answer and I wanted a plan. So I said surgery, if approved. I sat there in the scheduling office (for the day after Christmas), defeated. I needed an answer and a plan to move forward and felt like I was at the insurance companies disposal. And that I had to wait to know if I was moving forward. They scheduled me to get me in, in case it was approved. Most of the ride home, I cried feeling hopeless. Then something shifted in my mind. I reminded myself that I have what I need to get through this. This is a hiccup, that has to be worked through and I can do it.
I got home and started to do my research. In the last twenty years, I went from chronic pain, to occasion pain due to practicing yoga and strength training. And even with arthritis, I was able to get stronger and not be in pain. I had limitations, but could still move forward. The more I have read, and talked it out, the more I felt confident that I can rehab this on my own. This sprain is mild, and I know my body.
So here I am, on this roller coaster, even just today, on my way back up. I've got this.
Comments